


if evil had a laugh

by punk_rock_yuppie



Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Civilian!Steven, Fluff, Get together fic, Humor, M/M, Podfic Welcome, Secret Identities, Slice of Life(ish), Supervillain AU, Supervillain!Andrew, Supervillain!Ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 18:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15345777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punk_rock_yuppie/pseuds/punk_rock_yuppie
Summary: Andrew is the local super villain, Hot Honey.Steven is a not-so-unwitting civilian.This is their story.





	if evil had a laugh

**Author's Note:**

> in the same way that _troubled love and high speed noise_ was inspired by andrew mentioning wanting to be a bond villain, this was similarly inspired. a supervillain!andrew AU! this was a lot of fun to write, and surprisingly difficult.
> 
> big thanks to hannah, as always, for beta'ing this! shout out to leiasreys for suggesting 'hot honey' as andrew's villain name! 
> 
> this is kinda silly. enjoy!

“What do you get out of this, exactly?”

Andrew—or rather, ‘Hot Honey’—turns to the voice. “Excuse me?”

The man looks unfazed by Andrew’s menacing tone. “What do you get out this?” He makes an aborted gesture with his rope-bound hands. “The kidnapping, blowing stuff up, the whole supervillain yada-yada.”

Andrew furrows his brow beneath his mask. “You mean, besides insane amounts of money?”

The hostage scoffs. “Is that it? That’s so boring.” He groans and lets his head fall back against the brick wall of the basement they’re currently holed up in. The other hostages are looking at this guy with wide, awestruck eyes.

Andrew has to admit were he not on the clock, he’d probably gape in the same unflattering way. “Despite what you might think,” Andrew drawls, “money _can_ buy happiness.”

The hostage groans again. “So lame,” he mutters before falling silent.

Andrew hesitates slightly, waiting for something—a lecture, maybe, or a plea for him to change his mind. The hostage says nothing else, so Andrew turns away to finish his setting up device.

In the end, when the bank has been sapped of a hefty sum thanks to the power outage device and all the hostages are released (Andrew isn’t in the business of killing innocent people), the man’s words echo in Andrew’s mind.

 

 

Eventually, he gets over it. Sure it takes a few weeks, but Andrew does get over it, no matter what Ryan insists. And if he robs a few less banks and helps some of his villainous friends with their schemes instead, well… He just needed a change of pace, is all. He’s definitely not changing up his routine because of what one hostage said; that’d be ridiculous.

 

 

“I noticed you stopped robbing so many banks.”

Andrew turns, only half-surprised to see the same hostage as before backed into a corner by one of Andrew’s goons. “I’m flattered you follow my crime sprees so diligently,” Andrew replies before turning back to the artifact encased in front of him.

“You’re like, one of the biggest supervillains around here. I’d have to live under a rock not to notice. Besides, did you see what Buzzfeed’s been posting about you?” The man laughs, keeps laughing even when the goon shoves the double barrel of a shotgun under his throat. “They think you’ve had a change of heart.” The question lingers, unspoken.

“Just needed a change of pace,” Andrew retorts before very carefully starting to cut into the glass case holding the artifact.

The hostage hums thoughtfully. “Right.”

Andrew forces himself to focus on extracting the artifact rather than the tone of the other man’s voice. There’s nothing to scrutinize there; Andrew isn’t in the habit of analyzing what strangers say to him, particularly not strangers that seem to have a penchant for ending up a hostage.

 

 

“What do you get out of this?” Andrew asks Ryan a few days later.

Ryan looks over with an eyebrow raised. “You mean, besides a ton of money?”

Andrew groans and hides his face in his hands. “Nevermind.”

 

 

The thing is, Andrew went into the super villain business mainly because he could. He’s always been seen as this stoic, sometimes creepy guy, and it just _fit_ for him to break away from the pack and take on being… evil. Sort of evil. He’s not _really_ evil, not like some people. But he steals and menaces, so he’s _sort of_ evil.

His head is starting to hurt.

His thoughts are full of that hostage, his looks and his words. It’s driving Andrew up a wall, to the point that he hasn’t actually done anything villainous in a _week_.

He needs coffee. And the Keurig is broken.

Groaning, Andrew hauls himself off his lair couch and grabs his jacket from the rack. “I’m going out,” he hollers, knowing Ryan is somewhere around here. He doesn’t get an answer and doesn’t especially care. He rides the elevator in his lair up to the street, where it spits him out into an abandoned alley.

Despite the sketchy look of the neighborhood, there’s actually a nice coffeeshop only a block away, Rise & Grind, and Andrew heads straight there. There’s a line, of course, there’s _always_ a line. But it’s worth the wait, and Andrew’s been feeling a little cabin fever-ish holed up in his warehouse for so long.

He shoves his hands in his pockets and waits.

“I’m telling you, he doesn’t seem all _that_ bad.”

Andrew stiffens.

“You’re nuts,” a soft voice replies.

“I’m not _nuts_ ,” the hostage replies, indignant. Except he’s not a hostage here. He’s just a guy, in line to get coffee. In line behind Andrew.

His heart starts to pound.

“You’re nuts,” the quiet, unfamiliar voice says again. “I support you, but you’re nuts.”

The hostage sighs. “I guess that’s as much as I’ll get from you.”

The line starts to move then, and it moves fast. Andrew orders his drink in a daze, and when he passes over a twenty, he jerks his head behind him. “Whatever they’re having, too. Keep the change.” He says it lowly so the hostage and his friend can’t hear.

The barista looks surprised, but gives him a polite smile and nods. “Of course, sir.”

Andrew shuffles over to where drinks are set when they’re finished, and waits. He listens to the hostage and his friend order and immediately regrets his choices. What sort of super villain pays for a hostage’s coffee? At least he was smart enough to use cash, so it can’t be traced back to him.

He’s so wrapped up in his own head, he doesn’t notice the barista point to him, or how the hostage bounds over to him.

“Hi! I’m Steven!” He holds out his hand and startles Andrew from his thoughts. His hair is black and slightly choppy in cut, and it’s now that Andrew realizes Steven sort of towers over him. He’s never noticed before. “That’s Adam,” he says, pointing to the man who was in line with him.

“Uh. Drew.” He replies haltingly, reaching out and shaking Steven’s hand.

“Jen said you were the one who paid for our coffee.” Steven points over to his friend, who’s busy looking at something on his phone.

“Uh, yeah. Pay it forward, and all that.” Andrew blinks; his thoughts are sluggish. It’s unsettling to see Steven’s face outside a heist or danger. Not that he’s ever been scared when Andrew’s seen him, but here he’s blossoming. He’s bright, like a sunflower under summer skies.

“That’s really nice of you,” Steven is saying, and Andrew’s only half-listening. “I always want to do stuff like that but I forget.” He shrugs sheepishly.

“Right.” Andrew tries to kickstart his brain, tries to think, _get out of here_ as though his legs might listen to him, but all that comes out is his dry monotone voice.

Steven’s face falls slightly. “Sorry, I’m probably making this weird.”

“No!” Andrew startles himself with how quick and loud he replies. “No, I just.” He looks over as his coffee is set on the counter. “I haven’t had my coffee, yet, is all.”

Steven grins. “I feel that! We’re on a pick-me-up run to keep us going the rest of the day.”

Andrew inches over to the counter to grab his cold brew. “Yeah.” His gaze flicks to the door, even though a part of him _really_ doesn’t want to leave.

“I should let you get going,” Steven admits with a faint blush. “Thanks again for the coffee!” He flashes Andrew a dazzling grin before turning back to his friend. It’s an abrupt end to the conversation, but Andrew takes the out and forces himself not to sprint out of the coffeeshop.

He doesn’t stop walking until he hits his abandoned alley again. He sips anxiously at his cold brew as he steps into the hidden elevator and rides it down to his lair.

By the time he steps out, he feels both better and worse. His head hurts less thanks to the caffeine and fresh air, but he’s pretty sure he’s just opened a whole new can of worms.

 

 

The next time they run into each other, it’s when Andrew is on the clock. Andrew hadn’t meant for anyone to be down here when he set up his scheme, but Steven had wandered through with his headphones in his ears, and had nearly tripped the whole system before Andrew snagged him. So here they are.

Steven sits with his knees drawn to his chest and his wrists bound, arms wrapped around his legs. “This isn’t a bomb, is it?”

Andrew doesn’t look up. “No,” he replies shortly.

Steven nods. “Cool. So I’m not gonna die?”

“I don’t kill innocent people.” Andrew looks over briefly but returns to his task at hand quickly. It’s a delicate science, the knockout gas. If he screws it up, it _could_ kill people. Or it could just induce lots of yawning.

“What, are you like The Arrow, or something? Batman? Punisher?” Steven rattles off a couple more names before Andrew lets out a groan. “Sorry, sorry.”

Silence lapses and it’s better, but also worse. An energy rolls of Steven that clearly says he wants to chatter. It’s probably what he does when he’s nervous, but that doesn’t mean Andrew has to indulge it.

“You changed your hair,” is what Andrew says.

Steven lights up, much like he did in the coffeeshop a few weeks prior. “You noticed!”

Andrew bites his tongue on a swear but nods.

Steven’s hair is a silvery lavender now, dark at the roots and shiny at the tips. “Needed a change of pace,” Steven jokes. “I just felt so boring before, you know?”

Andrew bites his tongue again, hard enough to _hurt_ , to make sure he doesn’t say something stupid like, _“you looked fine before.”_ “Ah,” he says instead.

“People really like it, though. Which is cool, I was worried people would think it’s stupid.”

Andrew lets Steven keep rambling. After a while, his voice dulls into a faint droning noise that’s almost soothing, and Andrew actually finishes up the knockout gas and its distribution system a little sooner than he needs.

“Okay, let’s go.” Andrew stands, brushing dust from his hands.

“What’s it gonna do?” Steven lets Andrew help him to stand. “This doesn’t seem like your type of thing.”

“I don’t have a _type of thing_ ,” Andrew replies. “It’s for a friend.”

Steven smirks. “Even super villains have friends?”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “An acquaintance, then.”

“No, no, tell me about your friend!”

Andrew shakes his head, and hustles Steven out of the subway. “It won’t kill anyone, that’s all you need to know.”

Steven looks over at him, a faint smile in place. “I believe you.”

Andrew swallows his groan. He reaches out once they’re above ground and a few blocks away from the subway station entrance. “Maybe just avoid the subway station for a few days,” he murmurs. He cuts the zip tie around Steven’s wrists and backs away slowly.

“Got it,” Steven replies seriously. “Be safe!” He shouts as Andrew take a running jump to get a hold on a fire escape and pull himself up.

Andrew laughs as he escapes.

 

 

“Hey, Drew!”

Andrew looks up, stricken. For a moment he forgets he’s in civilian clothing, and he almost panics. He’s so used to hearing Steven’s voice when he’s Hot Honey, he’s not expecting to hear him now.

Then he remembers he’s in a mall food court, and he’d never wear his suit to the _mall_ for some casual, greasy dining.

“Hey,” he replies as Steven approaches. “Small world.”

Steven rolls his eyes as he takes the seat across from Andrew. The chair squeaks under him, and the table rattles as he braces his elbows on the plastic top. “How’ve you been?”

“Good.” Andrew thinks of the various plans scattered over his office in the lair. Bigs plans, but none of them feel right. He’s actually been sort of awful, if he thinks too much about it. He doesn’t want to say his passion for super villainy has been lost, but… “You?”

“Great! Got to be a hostage again the other day, it was nice.”

Andrew blinks. “You enjoyed being a hostage?”

“Sure, Hot Honey is really a nice dude. I think he’s just in the wrong line of work.”

Andrew stares. “You think one of the city’s most prolific super villains is in the wrong line of work?” He asks in disbelief.

“He’s obviously smart,” Steven starts, holding up a finger for emphasis. “I watched him assemble a knockout gas machine-thingy, so he’s also got some serious skills. Not to mention his heists? I’ve been there, man. Dude’s a natural born leader.”

Andrew wills a blush away. “So, what, should he go into military?”

Steven snorts. “Hell no! He should be a super _hero_ , obviously.”

“Obviously,” Andrew says, and the word feels like acid on his tongue.

“My friends think I’m obsessed,” Steven tells him. “But you try being the dude’s hostage a few times and see how you feel!”

“I’ll pass, thanks. I prefer to be the one tying people up.” The words just… tumble from his lips, heavy and flirtatious.

A blush stains high on Steven’s cheeks, and his eyes widen. “That’s—that’s reasonable,” he says in a voice that’s more a croak. “Uhm.” He sits back a bit, but it’s not repulsion.

Andrew can’t help himself. “Do you want to get dinner sometime, Steven?”

“Hey, you remembered my name!” Steven says, loudly.

Andrew sighs.

“I mean, yes, I’d love to get dinner. That sounds awesome. I’m just kind of surprised you remembered.”

Andrew shrugs. “I’m good with names, I guess.”

Steven smiles at him. “Wanna exchange numbers?”

Andrew nods and reaches into his messenger bag sitting on the seat beside him. He rummages for a second before pulling out his plain phone, the one that’s only full of fake contacts but at least actually works.

The minute Steven’s number is plugged into his phone, Andrew swallows his regret. “I’ll message you later?” He asks.

“Sounds great,” Steven replies, warm and genuine. “I actually have to get going right now, but I’m really excited. See you, Drew!”

“Bye, Steven.”

When Steven’s gone, Andrew lets his head thunk onto the table.

 

 

**to [steven]  
** _dinner tonight, 8?_

**from [steven]  
** _sure! where at?_

**to [steven]  
** _it’s a surprise. meet me at rise &grind?_

**from [steven]  
** _it’s a date!_

 

 

The message is littered with a few dozen emojis, and Andrew doesn’t even find it annoying.

He’s so fucked.

Even so, he still ends up outside Rise & Grind at eight on the dot. Steven’s late, which somehow doesn’t feel surprising, even if it doesn’t help Andrew’s nerves.

“Hey! Drew, hey!”

He turns to see Steven running toward him with another blinding grin in place.

“Sorry I’m late,” Steven says in between panting breaths. “Had a hiccup at work.”

Andrew shakes his head. “No worries. We don’t have reservations or anything. It’s a bit of a walk, though, is that okay?”

“Totally,” Steven agrees.

 

The date goes great. They go to Pantry Cafe, even though it’s a _walk_. They spend the entire time talking, and it’s more honest than Andrew’s been with anyone in years. It makes every time Steven calls him ‘Drew’ feel a little weird, a little dishonest. Not that people don’t call him ‘Drew,’ just not typically.

They spend way too long talking at the diner, too. Steven didn’t even blink when they walked up, just grinned and nudged Andrew like it was some kind of inside joke. (Pantry Cafe just has really good food and is open 24/7, is all. And it seemed like Steven’s sort of place.)

Steven tells him about his job—

> ”I’m an intern at Buzzfeed,” he admits nervously. “It’s sort of lame.”
> 
> “I think it’s cool,” Andrew assures.

—and Andrew hedges questions about what he does for a living. He ends up telling Steven he comes from a wealthy family, so he’s currently unemployed.

The lie makes him feel sick.

 

“I had a great time,” Steven tells him at the end of the night, when they’ve managed to flag down a cab to take Steven home. It took a few minutes, but Andrew managed to convince Steven he’s okay with walking.

“Me too,” Andrew says honestly. “Do it again sometime?”

Steven nods, then drops his gaze slightly. To Andrew’s lips. The gesture is sweet and innocent but loaded with tension, and Andrew leans forward like a coiled spring. He kisses Steven softly and swallows his answering sigh. He slips his tongue into Steven’s mouth and tastes the blueberry pancakes they had for dessert mixed with the bitter coffee they had to keep them awake.

The taxi driver honks his horn, and they startle apart.

Andrew clears his throat and they share an awkward grin. “See you, Steven.”

Steven steals a second, much more gentle kiss. “Bye, Drew.”

 

 

“You look happy,” Andrew finds himself remarking on his next scheme—another bank heist, because if he didn’t do _something_ soon he was going to fall off the radar entirely. The thought hurt his ego just a little too much.

Steven shrugs where he sits, bound and backed up against a wall. “Got a date tonight,” he says with a grin. The other hostages watch on in surprise as Andrew and Steven make small talk. It’d be funny if Andrew wasn’t also battling the guilt and fear in his chest.

“Fun,” he says in his dryest voice. It doesn’t deter Steven, who only rolls his eyes in a way that could almost be called _fond_.

“What about you? You got a special someone?” Steven asks, watching as Andrew instructs various goons to shove money into bags and check for dye packs.

“No,” Andrew replies smoothly. “This line of work doesn’t really allow for it.”

If Steven looks a little disappointed by that answer, Andrew pretends not to notice.

 

 

“I usually go by Andrew,” he admits one night when they’re sweaty and sated in bed together.

“Hm?” Steven asks as he raises his head, eyes still drooping. “What?”

“People don’t usually call me Drew. My name is Andrew.”

Steven hums, like he did the day of the artifact job. “That suits you more,” he agrees. “Thank you for telling me.” With that, he snuggles closer and dozes off in Andrew’s arms. Doesn’t even ask why Andrew gave him a different name to begin with.

Andrew kisses Steven’s forehead with a sigh.

 

 

“What sort of super villain name is ‘Hot Honey,’ anyway?” Steven asks as he hangs upside down in Ryan’s lair. Andrew can’t even bring himself to regret agreeing to help Ryan with this inane scheme—something about ghosts and unleashing unearthly power—because at least he knows Steven is safe.

“It’s what they called me in high school,” Andrew teases.

Steven’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Andrew cracks easily and breaks into quiet laughter. “No, no one called me that.”

Steven pouts. “Lame. It suits you.”

Andrew’s thankful for the mask to hide his burning blush.

 

 

It all goes sideways during a date. A pretty nice date, too, which makes it worse. They’re both dressed up a little nicer in slacks and crisp button downs—Andrew opted for classic white, where Steven went with a shimmering silver—and they actually made it to their reservations on time. It’s their six month anniversary, something that people apparently celebrate, if you ask Steven.

They’re placing their orders when the ceiling-to-floor windows shatter and crash, revealing a man on a hoverboard waiting outside.

Andrew’s eyes widen and he looks over to Steven, and for the first time, he sees fear on his boyfriend’s face.

“I’m only here for one thing,” the man calls out. Andrew doesn’t quite recognize his voice but he does recognize the hoverboard. Ryan’s told him about it before, he thinks. With awe, Andrew remembers, because of the tech and because this guy is bigger than things like bank heists and knockout gas.

He zooms into the restaurant over the heads of fear-frozen people until he comes to a smooth stop by Andrew’s table.

“Steven Lim,” he says with an evil smirk. “If you’ll come with me.”

Steven stands slowly, and Andrew snaps out a hand to grab his wrist. “Steven, no.”

“I’m not gonna let him hurt people, Andrew.” Steven replies evenly. He nods to the people closest to the windows, the ones who bore the brunt of the crash and are trying to nurse their wounds as best they can. “It’ll be fine.”

“You don’t even want to know why I’m taking you?” The villain asks even as he helps Steven clamber onto the hoverboard.

“I think I have a pretty good idea.”

Andrew feels frozen to his seat as Steven meets his eyes.

Then they’re gone, and the restaurant becomes a flurry of activity, of phone calls and ambulances approaching and people crying. Andrew gathers his wits and stands, and sneaks away while everyone else is distracted.

 

 

“I knew you’d come,” Steven murmurs as Andrew works on the chains holding him.

“Did you now?”

“You’re not exactly subtle, Andrew.”

Andrew falters for just a second, long enough for Steven to make an aborted fist pump and hiss, _“yes, I knew it!”_ Andrew cuffs him lightly upside the back of his head before kissing the back of his neck.

“How long have you know?” Andrew asks as the chains fall from Steven’s wrists. He rubs the abused skin gently, until Steven turns to face him.

“Second date. I was pretty sure when I saw you at the mall, but it wasn’t till the second date that I was positive.”

Andrew blinks in surprise.

“You’re really not subtle,” Steven teases. “Plus your voice sounds, like, exactly the same.” He reaches up and tugs Andrew’s mask up far enough to expose his mouth. “I’ve always wanted to kiss someone like this.”

Andrew’s slightly incredulous “really?” is lost as Steven kisses him. Andrew slides his hands to Steven’s waist automatically and kisses him back gently. They spend a few minutes kissing and breathing each other in before Steven finally pulls back.

“What’d you do with, uh. The guy?”

Andrew laughs against Steven’s cheek. “Dæmon,” he answers. “Out of commission, and called the deputy commissioner to come get him. Speaking of, we should probably get out of here before the cops show up.”

“But you’re a hero now!” Steven insists.

Andrew shakes his head and uses his grip on Steven’s waist to tug him along. “Doesn’t really work like that.”

Steven digs his heels into the ground and Andrew lets go so they don’t both go toppling over, “Andrew, we should talk about this.”

“I agree,” Andrew says, “but not here, not right now.” He reaches for Steven again, but the other man takes a step back. “Steven?”

“It’ll look suspicious if you take me. I don’t want _Hot Honey_ in more trouble.”

“No one knows Hot Honey was even here,” Andrew insists.

Steven shakes his head. “Go, I’ll call you.”

There’s a thud above that sounds like the police breaking down the door. Andrew hesitates for a second, before pulling his mask over his face and taking off. He knows Steven will be safe.

 

 

Steven does call him.

If he’s being honest, Andrew didn’t really expect it. The day in Dæmon’s lair sort of felt like a breakup, with Steven staying back.

But Steven does call him a few days later. With a _plan_.

 _“We’re gonna rehab Hot Honey’s image.”_ Is the first thing he says.

Andrew groans. “You called me at seven in the morning for this?”

_“Consider it payback for getting me kidnapped.”_

“You never minded before!”

 _“I didn’t mind when you were the one doing it!”_ Steven sighs. _“Whatever, nevermind. But I have a plan, and it’s gonna work.”_

Andrew buries his face in his pillow but makes a noise for Steven to continue.

_“First things first, I’m gonna get Buzzfeed to publish that it was Hot Honey who stopped D_ _æ_ _mon.”_

“Steven, I don’t think—?”

 _“It’s too late,”_ Steven cuts across. _“I already submitted the article. It’s very compelling, I’ll have you know.”_

Andrew rolls onto his back and stares resignedly up at his ceiling. “I’m sure it is, babe.”

Steven makes a pleased little noise, like he always does when Andrew calls him that. He continues, _“Besides, you never hurt anyone. You’ll just need to like, make reparations.”_

“Give back money, you mean.”

A beat of silence. _“Well, yeah.”_

Andrew raises a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. It’s going to be difficult, but doable. He’s already sorting out how to get money back to the people in his head. Nerves and uncertainty roil in his gut, but Steven’s chipper enough to offset it.

So Andrew says, “This is insane, but okay. What’s the plan?”

Steven hisses _“yes!”_ under his breath again, then takes a deep breath. _“Okay, so…”_

 

 

 

Later, when a reporter asks ‘Hot Honey’ _why_ he’s had a change of heart, _why_ he’s giving back to the people, _what does he get out of this?_ Andrew answers honestly, knowing Steven is in the crowd.

“It’s just what you do, for love.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm taking prompts, check me out on [tumblr](http://punk-rock-yuppie.tumblr.com/post/175972711561/taking-requests)!


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